“Granted, our goose was pretty much cooked by then, but we’re the kind of goose that will fly out of the oven if you crack it just a bit, providing that the thermometer isn’t in the triple digits. ”
Dear Great Grandniece Who Probably Won’t Be Named After Me,
I knew your great, great, great, grandmother—loved her like the daughter I never had. She was alive, as I was, when President Trump decided midway through his second term to privatize the military. The Koch Brothers footed the bill; it was after the Paris Climate talks of 2015 had truly taken root, and President Trump said the environmentalists had gotten too “uppity.”
Granted, our goose was pretty much cooked by then, but we’re the kind of goose that will fly out of the oven if you crack it just a bit, providing that the thermometer isn’t in the triple digits. But we were in trouble even before 2015 because we built too many roads that had to be used, too many coal mines that had to produce, too many oil rigs that had to frack. A few of us knew it was going to hell but we couldn’t convince the world that they and their tushy lifestyles must make complex and unswerving changes.
What we did was too little, too timid, too late. But after the Paris Talks, you could feel momentum shifting. It was a good feeling.
So, in privatizing the military, Trump had three conditions: 1) because his overcombed hair had become a national symbol--think Confederate flag-- each soldier’s helmet was painted with an exacting replica of his coif. Our armed forces looked like a bunch of nancys. 2) Every time they fired their gun, the soldier had to shout YOU’RE FIRED. Dunno if it was blowhard egotism or an actual design element that made the Trump AK-47 the only weapon that, once deployed, required further clarification. And 3) the military was under orders to shoot all the environmentalists.
Yes, Paris in 2015 was that important.
So anyway, around 2022, the military killed all the enviros, even Bill Gates and me too, and I’m writing from the afterlife, where Bill has put in the best WiFi ever and made everything paperless and still I can’t figure out Microsoft Word because a new version downloads every 15 minutes but all I can say looking down on you from heaven/cloud/whatever: what a bad hand we dealt you. And it was as much my fault as anybody’s, but nowhere near as much my fault as that of the Koch Brothers and their Republican spawn.